Where do I begin in this tale of the Justice System gone wrong? How do I even spin the words which will lace this page? Yeah I tend to be on the dramatic side, but this is a dramatical (let’s pretend this is a word) situation worthy of a few faints. It would only be right to start in the beginning.
Once upon a time in the land of the rich, a young multi cultured golfer stumbles across a “beautiful maiden” who was wiping baby bum. Now it has been discussed greatly (in my circle anyway) that it was no coincidence that they met. The golfer’s friend (as well as competition in the game of golf) introduce his nanny to the young guy. After a whirl wind romance the golfer and the nanny gets married. All seems well with this couple, as the golfer was not a celebrity who graced the covers of the tabloids. No sir, not his squeaky clean image to be smutted in the public’s eye.
Fast forward 6 years to the beginning of his nightmare. Prescription pills, sexual addiction, golf club, smashing of SUV, and TMZ’s newest target. Life for the golfer couldn’t seem to get any worse. Until one by one the “other women” begin to speak. The nightmare continues to get worse. His pulse quickens and his breathing becomes labored. Text messages are released, voice mails appear, and Gloria Allpurple (name has been changed so she won’t sue me) has taken an interest in this high-profile nightmare. The mention of Gloria sends shivers through his internal organs. Once healthy lungs, liver, and kidneys have now begun to shrivel. Gloria has been known to bury even the most successful men. As his palms sweat profusely he has to figure out a way out of this mess.
He looks for support from his friend, a young basketball player who years before found himself on the brink of losing it all. The basketball player spills out his secrets for reconciliation over a glass of strawberry daiquiri (ya’ll know he can’t drink anything stronger).
“you must have a press conference, pour out your soul via teleprompter, buy her a ring worth millions, and NEVER and I repeat NEVER take your balls back from her. For the rest of your life you will remain her bitch. It works for me and Ranessa (name has been changed just for shyts n giggles).
The golfer ran from that meeting and did just as he had been advised. To his dismay the “beautiful maiden” slapped his face. “I have been embarrassed to no end and you come back with this ring. It is not enough”! He begs and pleads and decides to check himself into rehab. For his love of cheap whores was still nagging his heart. After weeks of rehab and a few visits from the “beautiful maiden” the golfer checks himself out with the hope that all is well.
Little did he know that the “beautiful maiden” had been plotting and planning all along. Reconciling was not in her plans, she would instead take half of what he had from right underneath him! Her accomplice? The United Skates of Amerykah (their name has also been changed because I don’t want to be on the terrorist list). The media has sympathized and spun tells of her devastation. So great and severe that she withered away into a shell of what she use to be, is what the papers said. She played into the minds of the “good ole boys”. Let us not remember that naked she came into the world and naked she will go. Throw away the memories that wiping poo and making sure Lil Timmy eats all his food was her previous profession. Who even cares that she met him AFTER he had already established himself in the world? Now we must all bask in the glory of how she pulled off the greatest heist in history.